Ze launch

Well, chaps, it's an absolute disgrace that it's been a whole week since one of the most emotional nights of my life and I haven't even bothered to thank you all for coming.

I have no photos, which is perhaps as it should be (after all, the whole thing was about words, not pictures). But you were there (with two important exceptions, but the Atlantic Ocean is an acceptable excuse, plus Le Duc had a terrible stomach ache), so you know what happened, and so all that remains for me is to thank you, my agent, my editor, my parents, my public, my stylist, my exes, and my cat.

Wait! I did all that on the night. So all that remains is to give out some awards to:

Sicily - for managing to achieve a World Record for flogging the biggest number of books on a launch night, like, EVER (101, just so you know). The publishers are thinking of taking her on as their marketing manager.

Beth and Dave - for making like the paparazzi and making me look busy and important

Michelle - for appearing every 5 minutes with a wine-bucket full of prosecco

G - for charming my mother off her feet

Molly - for making people think that I hang out with models

PDF - for toasting like a true Russian

Heidi - for dealing with pre-launch Lady V shoe trauma

Man of The House (MOTH) - for suavely causing the entire 30-something hormone-raging female staff to swoon and give me top marks for genetic choice

FKJ - for managing to whip up a bit of the old green-eyed monster from the object of my affections : "have you really cried on her bosom so often? what was wrong"

Not last but by no means least, Mike-the-bike - for inappropriate advances

M: "I've just met your father"
V: "Uh-huh"
M: "Oh, yeah"
V: Suddenly remembering M's fetish for older men. "No! You didn't"
M: "Oh, YEAH!"
V: "Don't be ridic. No-one's found my father attractive since 1963 at least."

Next day. FKJ, MOTH and Lady V sit together at lunch.

FKJ: "Tots, I think I've got a kind of hag-fag girl-crush on your dad."
V & MOTH: SILENCE

I LOVE my friends...