Calendar girls

It’s very cold here in Milan. The nights are long. Tots and I have therefore taken to passing the time by making our own fun. In the manner of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, we open a bottle of wine after dinner and settle down to composing philosophical treatises of a literary bent. How we love to bicker over particularly difficult phrasing, or to argue furiously over the precise meaning of a word, furiously smoking unfiltered Gitanes and shrugging our shoulders, gesticulating wildly as we make our points.

Errr…. The wine and the fags remain extant. But our literary endeavours are a little less highbrow than those of the Sartre-De Beavoir household. And usually take the form of composing lengthy lists of future frolics to be had.

So. Here’s the latest. We have decided that 2008/9 is the year of the TABLEAUX. To be posed and shot in Maremma 30 Dec – 4 Jan. And then flogged on the internet in the manner of Women’s Institute/Pirelli calendars thus making much needed £££.

January – Jackie O

Log fire. Fur coats. Jackie O spex. Louche lounging on white leather pouffe to frame a naked and glistening (with home pressed olive oil, natch) Thomasina von Falconbury. A’s head to tastefully obscure genitalia.

February – Fags

Disco dollies. Studio 54 (memo to self: ask Germans over the road for white horse). Campari. Crostino. Cocaine. Cigarettes. Cox.

March – Matilde

Re-enactment of Matilde di Canossa’s wedding banquet. Flavia to play Matilde, naked on kitchen table, garnished with sushi. Little J poised to nibble nip. Maude frenzied and lactating.

April – Asino d’Oro

A Romanesque lavish feast of excess. Think togas, think centaurs, think wine. Think vomitoria. Think acqueducts.

May – Moses

A still life of God’s most beautiful-slash-horrendous (depending on sexual preference and point of view) creation. Olive tree on fire with female participation in widespread positions. Volunteers welcome.

June – Juana La Loca

Spanish Inquisition meets the Spanish courts. Dwarves (Catherine and Heidi). El Greco-inspired priests (Albert and Luigi), crucifixes, wax, rosaries, auto de fe, auto fellatio. Torquemada. Rioja as beverage of choice, slash light sherry post crucifixion. Tapas.

July – Jason and the Argonauts

Sheep! Tom! Tots! Baaaaa! All run naked in direction of pecorini, tossing baby human hither and thither (memo to self: conceive IMMEDIATELY, pref. male. Sacrifice is worth it for Art.)

August – Arty Filth

Re-enactment of ‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore. Renaissance romps in Carthan setting (guest appearance: Elena). Swirling fog, moody music, flagons of mead, bare-chested Tom riding big black stallion (memo to self: paint Alberto black). Food: sausage

September – Swedish design

Heidi in plaits. A Viking re-enactment of discovering the New World. Think Pocahontas meets Brunnhilde in hot-tub. Mooses, smorgasbord (wedding banquet sushi recycled), smoked salmon, Sven and cosy knitwear. Slash 1970s catalogues. Slash Ikea.

October – The Osbornes

A goth-fest of drug-induced self-delusions of grandeur. Maude to play family dogs. Dave to play Ozzie. Annalisa to play Annalisa. Michelle to play Kelly’s lesbian lover. Everyone to play air guitar. Sausage on menu here too.

November – Necrophilia and Nuts

First: bury Marcella in shallow grave.
Second: run for the hills
Third: exhume body before it starts to smell
Fourth: portray Pieta. Alberto to hold. Some talc required
Menu: chestnuts

December – Dirty Dogs

Cruella de Vil in a Disney deranged setting. Maude to star. Hideous hounds from next door to suffer. Doggy style at all times. Hound of the Baskervilles as star appearance. Dog sausage on menu. Leashes all round.

We expect full participation and Compulsory Fun. Everyone to bring costumes and props. Profits to be shared by all.