Mens sana in corpore sano
OK, So.
Wednesday’s events led me to a radical rethink of my life.
And thus it was that I found myself this morning on my back with a forty-something male between my legs, poking around and muttering ‘hmm, yeeeesssss.’
Fear not, dear reader, I had not forgotten my mantra of no meat, no men. This was merely the beginning of a day of serious, high level body maintenance, the object of which was to drag the sad and sagging old carcass that is Lady V back into the modern world and ensure that I am in tip-top condition to face what life may throw at me.
The Lady V rising-like-a-phoenix-from-the-mother-of-all-bonfires went like this:
30 mins with said doctor scraping cells off my cervix (admittedly, not the most fun one could have with a speculum at that time in the morning) in order to verify that my reproductive organs are honeymoon fresh
45 mins with lesbian homeopathic dentist, polishing teeth (so that when the masterpiece is published I look good in the publicity shots)
3 hours reading Vogue at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead (top tip for winter, ladies, black is the new black) waiting for chest x-ray and panicking about bad smoking habit
1 hour working off bad temper caused by x-ray department closing early because it was Friday (swift half of lager, absolutely necessary)
45 mins in library developing mind (what use is the body of a goddess without the brain to match?)
25 minutes buying new pants in Topshop (what use spending hours sweating at yoga developing a bottom like Beyonce's to then encase said arse in old grey rags from M&S?)
15 mins having hot wax poured over lower portions and then ripped off (nobody fancies a faun - unless they are CS Lewis - and who wants to shag a mad Christian?)
2 hours drinking gin and tonics to get over the pain of above activity (trust me, I deserved it)
Il faut souffrir pout etre belle, as the French would say. Handsome is as handsome does, as my grandmother would say (if not, sadly, dead).
Tomorrow I am going to rise from that bonfire of my inner ashes and embrace that elusive quality that has eluded me for so very long: health, health, health, kids.
Yah.
Wednesday’s events led me to a radical rethink of my life.
And thus it was that I found myself this morning on my back with a forty-something male between my legs, poking around and muttering ‘hmm, yeeeesssss.’
Fear not, dear reader, I had not forgotten my mantra of no meat, no men. This was merely the beginning of a day of serious, high level body maintenance, the object of which was to drag the sad and sagging old carcass that is Lady V back into the modern world and ensure that I am in tip-top condition to face what life may throw at me.
The Lady V rising-like-a-phoenix-from-the-mother-of-all-bonfires went like this:
30 mins with said doctor scraping cells off my cervix (admittedly, not the most fun one could have with a speculum at that time in the morning) in order to verify that my reproductive organs are honeymoon fresh
45 mins with lesbian homeopathic dentist, polishing teeth (so that when the masterpiece is published I look good in the publicity shots)
3 hours reading Vogue at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead (top tip for winter, ladies, black is the new black) waiting for chest x-ray and panicking about bad smoking habit
1 hour working off bad temper caused by x-ray department closing early because it was Friday (swift half of lager, absolutely necessary)
45 mins in library developing mind (what use is the body of a goddess without the brain to match?)
25 minutes buying new pants in Topshop (what use spending hours sweating at yoga developing a bottom like Beyonce's to then encase said arse in old grey rags from M&S?)
15 mins having hot wax poured over lower portions and then ripped off (nobody fancies a faun - unless they are CS Lewis - and who wants to shag a mad Christian?)
2 hours drinking gin and tonics to get over the pain of above activity (trust me, I deserved it)
Il faut souffrir pout etre belle, as the French would say. Handsome is as handsome does, as my grandmother would say (if not, sadly, dead).
Tomorrow I am going to rise from that bonfire of my inner ashes and embrace that elusive quality that has eluded me for so very long: health, health, health, kids.
Yah.
posted by Lady V at 9:28 pm
2 Comments:
mmm. never been to a Dr. T shocking really. but am only 17. so really, no need.
He caught me when I was in for a chest x-ray, little monkey...
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